How to Be Cool in the Third Grade Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  BECOMING COOL

  GET JEANS

  SMILE AND SAY “CHEESE”

  BO HANEY

  ONE BAD APPLE

  THE UNDERWEAR PROBLEM

  BOOK BUDDIES

  SMACK!

  WAAA!

  A KISSLESS MORNING

  A PLAN

  LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

  BEING COOL

  Death by embarrassment?

  “There you are!” his mother called out as Robbie came into the kitchen. She was loading a roll of film into her camera.

  She was going to take pictures at the bus stop!

  NOT COOL!

  Robbie could just imagine the school bus pulling up with all the kids looking out their windows. There he would be with his mother, having his picture taken like a baby.

  He was a third grader now. He wanted to go to the bus stop by himself. He did NOT want to get his picture taken in front of a busload of kids.

  And she would probably kiss him right there on the street in front of the whole world!

  OTHER CHAPTER BOOKS FROM PUFFIN

  The Fireplug Is First Base Petersen/James

  The Four-Legged Ghosts Hoffman/Seeley

  The Gadget War Duffey/Wilson

  Horrible Harry in Room 2B Kline/Remkiewicz

  I Hate Company Petersen/James

  Hey, New Kid! Duffey/Thompson

  The Math Wiz Duffey/Wilson

  Rats on the Range James Marshall

  Russell Rides Again Hurwitz/Hoban

  Sasha and the Wolfcub Jungman/ Wright

  Wackysaurus: Dinosaur Jokes Phillips/Barrett

  The William Problem Baker/Iosa

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers,

  345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.

  Penguin Books Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane, London W8 5TZ, England

  Penguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood, Victoria, Australia

  Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2

  Penguin Books (N.Z.) Ltd, 182-190 Wairau Road, Auckland 10, New Zealand

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England

  First published in the United States of America by Viking,

  a division of Penguin Books USA Inc., 1993

  Published in Puffin Books, 1995

  Reissued by Puffin Books,

  a member of Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers, 1999

  20 19

  Text copyright © Betsy Duffey, 1993 Illustrations copyright © Janet Wilson, 1993

  All rights reserved

  THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS HAS CATALOGED THE VIKING EDITION AS FOLLOWS:

  Duffey, Betsy.

  How to be cool in the third grade / Betsy Duffey; illustrated Janet Wilson. p. cm.

  Summary: When Robbie York is marked as a target by a bully at school, he decides

  that the only way to survive the third grade is by being cool.

  eISBN : 978-1-101-07692-7

  [1. Schools—Fiction. 2. Bullies—Fiction. 3. Self-perception-Fiction.]

  I. Wilson, Janet, ill. II. Title.

  PZ7.D876Ho 1993 [Fic]-dc20 93-18618 CIP AC

  RL: 2.2

  http://us.penguingroup.com

  For Bill

  BECOMING COOL

  What is cool in the third grade? Robbie York punched his pillow and turned it over. He leaned back and closed his eyes but he could not get to sleep.

  The question floated around in his head. It was a question that he had to answer before morning. He flipped his pillow over and punched it again.

  Tomorrow was the first day of school. Tomorrow he would start third grade.

  Something about the first day of a new school year makes everything seem bright and wonderful. New clothes. New shoes. Long sharp pencils with unchewed erasers. Sheets of fresh blank notebook paper.

  Robbie thought of the new year as a chalkboard wiped clean and black, waiting for him to write on it. This year anything was possible. Anything was possible, that is, if he knew the answer to the question:

  What is cool in the third grade?

  If only he knew the answer, then this year everything would be perfect.

  He sat up. It was useless even trying to get to sleep. He flipped on the light beside his bed.

  At the foot of his bed he could see his things laid out for school. His clothes. His shoes. His new backpack.

  He frowned.

  The backpack was dark blue and said ROBBIE on the back in big white letters. His mother had ordered it from a catalogue.

  Robbie had been afraid that she would get him one with a Smurf or a Muppet Baby on it. It was a nice plain blue one, but ...

  He reached down and picked it up. He looked at the letters on it.

  ROBBIE.

  He sighed.

  That was one thing that he knew was not cool. A third grader should not have a baby name. He did not know a single grown-up named Robbie.

  ROBERT HAYES YORK.

  His real name was great. Couldn’t he have just as easily been called Robert or Rob? He held his fingers over the last three letters.

  ROB.

  That looked so much better.

  He buried his nose into the stiff canvas and smelled the newness of the material.

  He unzipped it and pulled out a new spiral notebook. He opened it. The pages were clean and white.

  What is cool in the third grade?

  He needed a plan. A plan to become cool.

  “Robbie! Robbie!”

  His mother called from downstairs.

  ROBBIE!

  That was it! He knew what the first step to becoming cool would be ...

  Get rid of the name Robbie!

  “Lights out now. School tomorrow.”

  “Okay, Mom,” he called out. He took out a pencil. He didn’t have much time. He didn’t know the entire answer to his question, but he knew part of it. He had to have a plan. He would make a list. Quickly he wrote: HOW TO BE COOL IN THE THIRD GRADE.

  Then without stopping he wrote:

  1. GET RID OF THE NAME ROBBIE.

  He smiled. Seeing his first step to becoming cool gave him a feeling of power. He felt that by writing it down he had accomplished it.

  Robbie closed his notebook and put it into his backpack. He turned off his lamp and lay back in bed. He didn’t feel so restless now.

  He was one step closer to being cool!

  It was going to be a great year.

  GET JEANS

  “Robbie. Robbie, time to get up!”

  Robbie pulled his blanket up around his shoulders and started to turn over.

  “Robbie! School today!”

  SCHOOL!

  It all came back to him. Today was the first day of third grade. In one motion Robbie was on his feet. This morning he was charged with a new energy. This was the year that he would be cool.

  He looked at the foot of his bed, where his things were laid out for him. His backpack was still there.

  It was full.

  He and his best friend Doug had spent a long time yesterday carefully making out lists of supplies that they would need for third grade. Robbie’s mother had taken the list to Harkin’s Department Store and had bought all his supplies for him. She had put the things into the backpack for him.

  Now Robbie picked up the backpack. He felt like he had better check everything himself. He unzipped the zipper and emptied it out. One by one he began to check off everything on the list.

  He dropped t
he ruler as if it had burned him.

  A Pretty Pony ruler!

  His mother had bought him a Pretty Pony ruler.

  He definitely could not show up at school with a Pretty Pony ruler.

  Third graders did not have designs on their rulers. And third grade boys did not have Pretty Pony on anything!

  His mother just didn’t understand some things.

  He took the Pretty Pony ruler and stuck it under his mattress. It would be better to show up without a ruler.

  He leaned back and took a deep breath. How close he had come to being uncool on the first day!

  “Robbie! Are you getting dressed?”

  Beside the backpack were his clothes. Shorts, shirt, socks, and shoes—but different from the shorts, T-shirt, socks, and shoes that he had worn yesterday. These were his school clothes. His parents always said that school clothes should be different from play clothes.

  Robbie picked up the shorts and frowned. They were tan and stiff and had a red belt.

  The white socks were really white and did not have colored stripes at the top like his play socks.

  The shoes were brown leather lace-ups and the shirt had a collar. That was another one of his parents’ rules—NO SHIRTS WITHOUT COLLARS ALLOWED AT SCHOOL. His parents had a lot of rules.

  He put the shorts on. They felt scratchy.

  He would have to do something about his clothes. They were not cool.

  He wished that someone would tell his mother and father that third grade boys wear T-shirts with no collars to school and jeans. He was the only boy in Danville School who did not own a pair of jeans.

  He began to load all the school supplies into his backpack, but when he got to the spiral notebook he stopped. He remembered his list. He had just thought of his second step to becoming cool.

  He opened the notebook and wrote:

  2. GET JEANS.

  “Robbie! Robbie!”

  His mother called from downstairs. “Breakfast in five minutes. You don’t want to miss the bus, do you?”

  No, he didn’t want to miss the bus! Doug would be saving him a seat.

  He began to hurry.

  He closed his notebook and put it into his backpack. He zipped it shut and swung it onto his shoulder.

  He smiled as he headed downstairs to breakfast.

  Yes! It was going to be a great year!

  SMILE AND SAY “CHEESE”

  “There you are!” his mother called out as Robbie came into the kitchen. She was loading a roll of film into her camera.

  Robbie dropped his backpack and sat down at the kitchen table. There was a big pile of pancakes on his plate. His favorite. He leaned over the plate and inhaled the aroma of the pancakes. He reached for the syrup.

  His mother snapped the camera shut. She began to wind a knob on the back. His mother took pictures of everything. She had five whole scrapbooks filled with pictures of Robbie.

  All the pictures were carefully labeled.

  Robbie’s first step.

  Robbie’s first toy.

  Robbie’s first birthday cake.

  Robbie’s first EVERYTHING!

  Uh-oh! Today was his first day of third grade. His first time on the school bus!

  She was going to take pictures at the bus stop!

  NOT COOL!

  He could just imagine the school bus pulling up with all the kids looking out their windows. There he would be with his mother, having his picture taken like a baby.

  His mother couldn’t do that to him ... could she?

  “Robbie, I thought I would walk up to the bus stop with you and take a few pictures.”

  She could!

  Robbie stared at his pancakes. He wasn’t hungry anymore. He was a third grader now. He wanted to go up to the bus stop by himself. He did NOT want to get his picture taken in front of a busload of kids.

  And she would probably kiss him right there on the street in front of the whole world.

  He looked at her again. She had on her brightest red lipstick.

  Smack!

  He could just imagine it!

  He tried to think of the right words to say. The words would not come.

  “Oh, Robbie,” she continued. “Your father and I are so proud of you. Starting third grade. Riding the school bus ...”

  She looked like she was about to CRY!

  He couldn’t tell her now!

  Maybe his dad could help. He looked across the table at his father.

  Nope. His dad had that “our baby’s growing up” look, too. It was hopeless.

  Smile and say “cheese,” thought Robbie. Being cool was going to be harder than he thought. He picked up his fork and began to pick at the pancakes.

  As he ate he watched his mother get the camera ready. Three different lenses, two filters—

  “Have you seen the tripod?”

  If only he could get to the bus stop without his mother. She walked out of the kitchen. Robbie heard her walk up the stairs. She was looking for the tripod. That should keep her busy for a while.

  His father was still finishing his coffee, hidden behind the paper.

  Robbie saw his chance and he took it.

  “ ‘Bye, Dad,” he called and headed for the door. His father didn’t look up.

  Quickly Robbie headed for the bus stop. It was only one block away. He stood on the corner and watched his driveway.

  If the bus came on time he would make it. No pictures. No kisses.

  Would the bus ever come? One more minute and his mother would be out with the camera.

  “Come on! Come on!” he thought. “Come onnnnnn!”

  He hoped that the bus wouldn’t be late.

  He closed his eyes. “Come onnn!”

  Robbie heard the bus before he saw it. It came into view around the corner of Cherry-wood and Franklin.

  I made it! thought Robbie. I made it.

  No camera.

  No pictures.

  No ki—

  “Robbie! Robbie!” He saw his mother hurrying down the driveway. A large camera bag hung from her shoulder.

  He had not made it.

  “Oh, Robbie, I was afraid I was going to miss it.”

  His mother had the camera in her hand. Worse than that, she had just put on more lipstick—bright red.

  He could imagine the print of the lipstick on his cheek.

  Kissed by your mom in front of a busload of kids! What an uncool way to start third grade.

  The bus groaned to a stop. The driver pulled on a metal bar and the door swung open.

  Robbie’s mother began snapping pictures. “Turn your head a little this way,” she said.

  Robbie ducked as he headed toward the stairs of the bus.

  His mom smiled.

  “ ‘Bye, Robbie!” she said. “Have a great day!”

  The red lips came forward.

  He ducked even lower.

  Smack!

  Direct hit! His mother had perfect aim. She got him right on the side of the face.

  He thought he heard a few giggles from inside the bus.

  His face felt hot.

  As he hurried up the steps, he heard the camera still clicking. Then, like a sigh of relief, the door hissed and eased shut.

  At least the pictures and the kisses were behind him now. In his mind he added another step to being cool to his list.

  3. NO MORE KISSES AT THE BUS STOP.

  He wiped his cheek with the back of his hand and started down the aisle.

  He could see Doug waving at him from the back of the bus. He moved toward Doug. His first day of third grade was about to begin.

  Starting now, it was going to be a great year!

  BO HANEY

  Halfway down the aisle Robbie could see Bo Haney.

  Bo Haney was a third grader like Robbie. Bo Haney was a big third grader. Robbie’s mother would probably say “big for his age.”

  To Robbie, Bo was big for any age. He had been in the third grade for a long, long time.

 
Bo was the meanest kid in the third grade, or maybe even in the whole school. Everyone knew about Bo.

  Once he unraveled the back of Sarah Jane Manila’s new sweater. She had to wear her winter coat for the rest of the day.

  Once he tied Bradley Dugan’s shoelaces together—around a pole. A pole in the bathroom. The girls’ bathroom.

  Once during Pet Week he fed John Bennent’s pet cricket to Tom Ballan’s pet frog. Then he fed Tom Ballan’s pet frog to Sally Long’s cat. Then he tried to feed Sally’s cat to Harvey Jones’s beagle, but there was a terrible fight and everyone got to go to recess early. Danville School had not celebrated Pet Week since.

  Everyone knew about Bo Haney and everyone tried to stay away from Bo Haney. Robbie had spent his first three years at Danville School carefully avoiding Bo.

  Slowly Robbie continued down the aisle. Before he could get all the way to the back of the bus the bus lurched forward.

  Then it happened.

  Later, Robbie could not tell exactly what had happened. All he knew was, one second he was standing, and the next second he was sitting.

  The problem was that he was not sitting in an empty seat. The problem was that he was sitting in Bo Haney’s seat. Worse than that, he was sitting on Bo Haney’s lap.

  The entire bus was silent for a second. Then Bo’s voice broke the silence.

  “Hey, Wobbie,” said Bo, “Hey, Baby Wobbie!”

  He pushed Robbie down to the floor. Robbie was so surprised that he sat on the floor and could not say a word.

  “This seat is taken!”

  Then Robbie got up and stumbled backward, trying to get his balance.

  He tried to think of something to say. He couldn’t think of a single word. With his mouth wide open, he stood looking at Bo.

  “Heh, heh, heh,” Bo laughed. “Can’t you talk, Baby Wobbie? Can’t the widdle baby say ‘goo goo’ ?”

  Bo turned around and looked at the other kids on the bus. A few of them laughed with Bo.

  “Don’t let it happen again, Wobbie.”

  Somehow Robbie’s legs began to move. He passed the other seats of the bus without looking up.